Journal Entry: Of Thoughts and Kisses 02182015

I asked my boyfriend to stop by to drop off some of my belongings that had accumulated in his car. He pulled into my driveway a little discouraged from the day, but still relatively animated. I walked up to  to his car and climbed in. I asked him if we could go somewhere to talk. He agreed and we drove downtown and parked adjacent to Spot, a local coffee hub. I wanted to talk about the kiss we shared last night.

I danced around what I really wanted to say. It felt like my Tae Known Do days, when I was sparring grown men. I had to anticipate. I had to get close but not to close as to betray my intentions and open myself up to an attack. I learned how to mask my emotions, to use my agility to avoid pending attacks, and when to be deliberate with my attacks. Those skills that I learned in my fighting days seeped into other areas of my life, as well as my love life. So naturally, I was always on the defensive. (The best offense is a strong defense. Am I right?) After all a wounded tigress always attacks when threatened. And I felt threatened by the words that I would say. In the past, my words have always left me with scars. But I felt the need to say them anyway or at least try to say them.

I started off with, “That kiss last night. It was different the way in which you kissed me. It was real, there was a lot of emotion behind it. Passion, you know. I mean the way in which you held my face when you kissed me. You looked into my really deeply and then kissed me. I never been kissed like that before. Why did you kiss me like that? What made you kiss me like that?” He looked at me and smiled, “Talibah, I just really care about you. So I wanted to kiss you like that.”

“And then you kept closing your eyes while you were kissing me. And then you would open your eyes when we weren’t kissing and look into my eyes very deeply before kissing me again. I don’t date just anybody. I have standards, I try to date someone with the whole package: personality, intelligence, humor, looks. I try to take my time, because I am an emotional person. That’s why I took my time to try to get to know you before we started dating.”

“I know. But it was worth the wait, baby. Getting to know you and spending time with you. I really enjoyed it,” he responded smiling thoughtful. ” I looked at him feeling encouraged but scared all at the same time. I continued cautiously, “Only date guys that I think that I can have a future with….Guys that I can fall in love with…” I paused as I slowly pulled myself from starring out the window. I was preparing for the worst – rejection. I was ready for the tears to flow. Still I tried to look at him so that I didn’t appear weak or vulnerable.

He looked at me still smiling with a warm glow exuding from his cheeks. He leaned in and pulled me in close and said, “I love you too, Talibah.” Right before he kissed me with his soul. It was the same passionate kiss that he kissed me with the night before.

I tugged myself away smiling and giggling like it was going out of style. After I simmered down a bit, I told him that I loved him too. And we continued to kiss as if time was of no consquence.The snow began to fall thickly as if to cry frozen tears of joy. We walked inside of Spot to grab a cup of something hot. And we talked and laughed about recent events passed. Of a time that seemed so forever ago that it might not have even existed.


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